~Melting Pot of Emotions~

I mean i really dont know what to say. I was heartless, and didnt let the small stuff phase me and told the truth in a harsh way. What did that get me? Nothin but told off by a lame that didnt even deserve me. I try to be nice and tactful and sweet again while still takin everything with a grain of salt and i still get bs handed to me. I guess it doesnt matter. Sometimes we get screwed over no matter what we do. Its just fate i guess. God has a plan for us and sometimes it doesnt go the way we want but theres a point to the madness at the end of the day; to teach us a lesson. I guess the lesson for me is to just be the best me i can be and dont worry about what people think. As long as i dont do nobody wrong, god will bless me in the long run. Thats what i gotta keep tellin myself. Otherwise i dont know what to think. At this point i would just rather work and go to school at the same time to keep myself busy...then i wont have to worry about losers wasting my time b/c there will be none left to waste. I really miss a couple of people in my life right now, however who knows if they even care about me at all? Thats what hurts the most. I try to put myself out there and it seems like i get burnt every time. I dont even care anymore. I got more important things to do anyway. Who needs love if this is what its like. :-( Well if anybody thinks that philosophy is way off...let me know why i should think differently. Deuces. Peace Joy and love.

More thoughts from yours truly...♥

Hey yall. Im back again. Still busy as ever and during my day it seems like thoughts travel through my mind at warp speed. Well enough chit chat...here it is.

1) I know im young and there will be plenty of time for growth. And maybe, just maybe i'm thinking too far ahead. But i really truly feel as though i need to change some things about myself. For example i learned alot in the past few days; such as the fact that it is good to tell the truth but you must have some tact. Nobody wants you to sugarcoat but you don't have to be brutal either. Wow go figure; what i mean is this sounds like such a novel concept but i couldnt even put this thought together a couple of weeks ago. So i guess that shows growth. Another thing i need to learn is patience. It truly is a virtue that most people would do well with if they acquired it soon. LOL. Third of all, i really need to learn acceptance. It seems as though i have certain expectations and maybe even opinions about how things should go or how people should treat me. But in the long run, the truth is people can only be who they truly are and life is not Burger King, i cant have it my way. No matter how much i want to. Fourth, being nice seems so excruciatingly hard but i'm willing to try my hand at it again. Even towards people who dont deserve it because a friend of mines taught me that you should treat others how YOU would like to be treated and they'll look back and see what they missed out on and possibly regret it; the moral of the story is to be nice to others no matter how evil someone may have treated you b/c the next person doesn't deserve to be treated mean. So basically those are the things i need to get better at. And i know everybody has flaws and you can aspire to be perfect but in reality nobody will ever reach perfection except God himself. Thats just the way it is. But i still want to try my best to be a good person that God would be pleased with.(most of the time LOL)

2) Relationships are so hard man. But i truly am trying. I guess you really have to work to keep them alive if you dont wanna be alone. Sometimes it may seem like the better road but in reality its a sad one. On the bright side, it helps you grow when you're alone but there comes a time where being alone gets old and you want somebody by your side through thick and thin, who will never let you down. And in order for that to happen you have to open yourself up enough to be that same person for them that they can lean on when times are hard. You only get back what you put out, so maybe i need to change my way of thinking about things and what not.

3) Why do we have to look so good all the time but Some men can go around lookin like they fell off a garbage truck? I think i talked about this before. If those men would get their act together maybe i wouldnt mind lookin like i work on a runway more often LOL. However, there are Many exceptions out there. They look so good and they know it. I mean at least they know they gotta pull their weight in this competition called love LOL.

4) I really really wanna move out soon. Like hopefully before im 25. Its not like im in a rush to pay bills. I just want that indepedence and the ability to do things when i feel like it. I feel like im gettin just a lil bit too old to still have to have certain limitations i have at home. for real. If i keep on doing well in school, hopefully i can have everything i need and most of what i want and hopefully ill be able to survive on my own, god willing.

5) Im so tired of my mama always calling me. I feel like Florence in this house. I cant wait til school starts again. I love my dorm and it hurts to think that i might not be there if tuition gets too steep :-(. That place keeps me sane. I cant be home all semester. Hopefully i wont, if God is paying attention....

6)Songs i like :
mario ft sean garrett and gucci mane- break up

beyonce ft kanye west- ego rmx

drake ft trey songz- successful

mary mary- god in me

jayz ft rihanna and kanye west-run this town

7) well i gotta work tomorrow. but on the bright side, its payday and i get off before 12 LOL. I hope i get some more hours this week.

8) I really need to practice soon. I def need that scholarship.

9) Cant wait til im done this class. 2 more wks left.(4 classes to be exact)

10) Well gotta go now. be back with more next wk. Peace Joy and Love

update

Wow i know its been a minute, but once again a sister has been very busy and i have alot on my mind so here goes.

1)Just when it seemed i was moving in the right direction, i got a "memo" so to speak and it really made me think, is this the right way to be? And i decided that it wasnt and that i should try yet another approach. But to tell the truth, as far as growth, i believe that it is inevitable that change will occur and you will have to neglect some bad habits and replace them with good ones. I never thought about it that way but thats the reality.

2)I really wish i had all the answers in life. Like do you ever wish that you could push some magic button or open a door and all the answers to the questions that you have will be answered? Well i do. Sometimes i get so lost. But i know if i keep my eye on the prize(success), and keep the faith, i will find my way.

3)I wonder why i cant really focus. It seems as though my mind is always preoccupied. I mean i have been keeping myself pretty busy as far as work and now im retaking this class. But, did it ever seem like you have something important going on but you're just not there mentally? Like it's like my mind went on vacation(maybe that could be a clue to why i havent wrote in so long LOL ;-) )

4)Did you ever think about why people say and do the things that they do? It's really weird. When i sit and think about it, it almost seems like half this world has no substance or coherent thoughts. And its also weird how people will ask you the dumbest questions that they should already know the answer to.

5) Do you ever feel like there are people in this world who's whole objective/purpose is to annoy you to no end? Well i know that feeling very well and trust me i live it everyday. And theres no escaping it unfortunately. Its a shame to say but these people make you feel happy that you have places to be everyday. They make those places seem like paradise, even though being there isn't that fun either. LOL.

6)I'm so excited that i have one of my best friends in the world back in my life. Even though we may have been through alot, i'm always there for him and vice versa and we got a bond that nobody can break. :-)

7) On another note, i met somebody wonderful but b/c of my "attitude" i may have scared them off. Hopefully not though. Its a shame that you dont recognize a good thing just because you're stubborn. Who knows where this could end up?

8)It'll be time for school again soon. It seems like i love being there and i consider it like my home away from home now. When i have work i hate being there, but when i dont i love it and to me its way better than being at home. I dont know about anybody else but i love the freedom i have there.

9)I hope i can get my license before school starts and maybe even keep working. I might stay at work, just to keep some chump change and b/c i have less classes but it still amounts to the same when you add in the extra stuff. idk we'll see how that goes, i dont wanna overwhelm myself.

10) In other news, i cant believe ill be the big 20 in 2 months. Needless to say ill probably be the only one who's still 19 when school starts :-(. I know im exaggerating but that's what it feels like. To me 20 represents so much like the fact that i have been around for 2 decades and that im not a teen anymore....but its not as great as being the big 21 thats the real one...you can do whatever then LOL.

11) I really need to keep up with this blog(and poetry and stories) but i get such a bad case of writer's block sometimes. I just dont know what to say. But like a friend of mine said, i should just continue to write from my heart b/c in reality this is not for you. This is how i vent and express myself, and if you wanna read it be my guest but it wont be the end of the world if you dont.

12)havent seen any good movies lately. But i do have a few new favs as far shows. I really like hawthorne seeing as im studying to become a nurse. And i like tiny and toya. IDk but lately shows like that just interest me. I guess im kinda nosy LOL.

13) Music: a few of my favs
a) pleasure p: the introduction of marcus cooper( i love like every song on here...def a banga)

b) musiq: on my radio( just as good, if not better than luv and musiq, another classic in my opinion)(know i said it already but i didnt elaborate LOL)

c) beyonce: i am......sasha fierce(full of hot songs...wish it was longer though)
Thats all i can think of for now.

14)So glad im off tomorrow. But i plan on being a lil productive LOL. Hopefully i am. Well see yall next wk. Peace Joy and Love

Book review(first ever!! LOL)

Well i know im mad late with this one. However, im entitled to my opinion and I for one believe that Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man is the absolute truth. It truly is like a "playbook". After reading it, i see the opposite sex and relationships in a totally different light. It really did open my eyes. I was in the dark so to speak. If i knew half of the stuff in there, maybe i could have a real loving, long-term relationship. And another thing, you know a book is mad good when you dont wanna put it down and you read it all in less than 2 days time. Even though hes not a professional author, that was one of the best non-fiction books i have read in a long time. From now on, ill have to keep those things in mind; his advice is priceless. If you havent read it yet, you must. Thats all i have to say. Until next time, Peace, Joy and Love.

Its been a min and i got alot on my mind......++

Hey yall. I know its been a min. But a sisters been busy. I gotta get paid. LOL. Anyway i been practicing my driving, i been workin and i have been reading(unfortunately, school starts again soon so i gotta be on my A game) as well as workin on my cookin and bakin( i love some good food LOL). Well enough of that time to get to the point of this post.

I have been noticing some things I dont like so i feel the need to point them out:

1) Why does it seem like a girl has to have the perfect body? I mean seriously. If you dont have the biggest butt, bug-a-loos(breasts for yall that dont know LOL), or the thickest thighs or hips, you get pushed aside. Thats all you see in the videos. And another thing why every girl gotta have fake everything(hair, nails, eyelashes, etc etc.) to be accepted? Its a shame that you gotta do all that to get a man to notice you. Well at least it seems like it. I just wanna know what happened to the days when you could get away with being natural and a dude liked you for that? I guess those days are long gone.

2) Why does every dude i talk to (for the most part) only care about sex or if they dont talk about sex they talk about somethin else dumb that i dont care about. Maybe i need to stop talkin to those dudes and find some different dudes that are on my level. (but thats easier said than done)

3)Why is it so hard to stay focused when i know i got more important things to accomplish in my life? I do need to strike a balance between fun and work/school i guess. But its just hard. Ill either do the imp stuff or do whats fun. I guess im just too lazy and its summer time so that doesnt help. But excuses are for losers so i better get my life together. LOL

4)Why is it that when i want something i dont get it, but the things i dont want fall right into my lap? It's just weird. I guess god is tryna tell me something. Maybe what i want is not what i need.

5) Its so strange how you can be lonely and have people around.

6) Its crazy how people say they like you and what not but they dont call you, so i guess you're supposed to call them. And even when you do that they probably wont answer so um...im lost. Im gettin mixed signals. In this case, i just wanna say forget it, but for some reason i go against my better judgment and continue to waste time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here are some things i like:

7) Dudes who have facial hair(but not too much, it has to be smooth not all scruffy).

8) A man who can sing(theres something about a man with a melodic voice).

9) A man who can cook( thats just so sexy LOL).

10) A dude whos going somewhere in his life and he knows what he wants.

11) A man who pays attention and actually cares about how you feel.

12) A man who sees me for who i am and doesnt run away just b/c i have flaws.

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CDS im really feeling right about now:(nothing like cds that you can play right through without skippin a track; they dont make many of those anymore)

13)neyo-year of the gentleman

14)jennifer hudson-jennifer hudson

15)musiq-on my radio

16)day 26-forever in a day

17)j holiday-round 2

18)ciara-fantasy ride

Well thats my piece. Be back with more next wk if i have time. Peace, Joy, and Love.

Reality

Its amazing how i always complain about how bored i am. When there really is so much that i could be doing. And i always complain about how my life isnt as exciting as it should be (in my opinion), but some people arent blessed to still be alive and well right now, while god has blessed me to be alive and relatively healthy. I take that as a sign, that my work here on earth isnt done and it probably hasnt even begun. I take that to mean that i need to stop wasting the time i do have, b/c tomorrow isn't promised and i should cherish every moment. I also interpret that to mean that brighter days will come and as i mature and become wise i will realize that it's okay that my life isnt movie worthy. I just need to get out there and enjoy it regardless. I dont really know where im going with this. but i have noticed lately that im just extremely bored and my mom has even pointed it out too, in one way or another. She stated that i need to"stop waiting for the next moment and just enjoy the present and make my life exciting". That seems sort of true, i guess. I have heard that you control your destiny, so you choose the path you travel on in life. You direct your future. You make things happen. So like i have said before i need to stop being on "autopilot" in my life and take charge and go after what i want and expect. Because if i learned one thing, nothing comes free or falls out of the sky, if you want something, you gotta earn it or make it happen. Its a cold world out here and everybody is out to better themselves and acquire some wealth of their own. So i need to wake up and smell the roses.

I guess in a way i have been taking life for granted and not appreciating what i have done and accomplished. I keep looking for the next moment or the next thing, instead of enjoying the present. However, in reality you cant turn back time, and trust me there are many times that i wish i could. I need to learn to just be and thank the lord above for every waking moment and for his mercy and grace. Well thats just how i was feeling at the moment, i had something else in mind, but...i think ill save that for friday. See yall later. Peace, Joy, and LOve.

P.P./Randoms(time for another one LOL)

Now, i havent done one of these in a while. But the way things are going, its time to get back up on my soapbox again. LOL Let's get to it.

1) Im so tired of having meaningless, pointless conversations. What happened to the days when people could hold an intriguing, interesting and intelligent conversation that kept my interest? Like i said before, these days, i might as well talk to myself. Shoot, the convo sure would be better. It seems like people DONT want to talk anymore or they dont know HOW to. I dont know which one it is, but its getting old real fast.

2) Im tired of having my guard up, and anticipating when a man is gonna hurt me b/c i know he will. Now that doesnt mean that all men will, however from my experiences, thats all i gather. I guess i just have to pray about it and trust that the next man wont, if hes the right one. Its like a friend of mine said, i wanna get close to the ones who do me wrong, but i push away the ones who actually care about me. I believe its time to just let the cards fall where they may so to speak. Being stubborn and heartless doesnt do anybody any good and if i continue to act that way, nobody will even try to talk to me ( :-( )

3) Im tired of being bored. But hopefully i wont be for long.

4)Im tired of being home. Theres absolutely nothing to do here.

5)Im tired of wasting time on people who arent worth my time.

6)Cant wait to start work. I have got to get out of this house.

7) I am so ready to get my license. Ill be even happier when i get my own car though LOL.

8) Im sittin here waitin for Tyler Perry's shows to come on....nothing good has been on all day...in fact i dont even like half of the crap on tv...tv is so stupid lately. They would make a show about pigs flying if they could. Seriously.

9) I need some excitement...maybe when i turn 21 something fun will happen. As long as im home it seems like life, well at the least the fun part is on hold...:-(

10) Well im even more bored than i was before i started, so its time to go do somethin. Hmm maybe ill be back with a poem later. who knows? might get some inspiration.. LOL. Well see yall later for now....Peace, Joy and Love